So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize