he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
