Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
