Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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