If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
