if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
