I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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