All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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