I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
