If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
