Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Four minutes until I can fart!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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