I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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