Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I had to cum in my sink.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
