I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
