I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
