our cab driver is having phone sex.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
