I need to stop coming to work sober
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
