I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
