I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
