my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
