We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
