My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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