Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
