True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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