If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
