Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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