Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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