she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
