So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
