I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
