He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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