There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
