Got a toothbrush?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
