I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
