last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
