when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
