If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
