wanna go halves on a baby?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
