This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
