GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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