there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize