so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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