I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
