Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize