we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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