God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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