Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
