she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
