So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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