I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I am available for nakedness
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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