pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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