your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
