Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
