arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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