I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
