I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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