and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
